Loneliness

          Loneliness, according to my word processor dictionary, is “feeling sad through being without friends or company.”  I am house-sitting currently and always feel lonely to some degree from the lack of people surrounding me.  But sometimes, loneliness becomes more than just a temporary feeling.  It seeps into your core, becoming a heavy, hollow feeling. 

          Yesterday, mom read me a couple of versus from Psalm 51 she had shared with a facebook friend who needed encouragement, “Restore to me the joy of Thy salvation, and sustain me with a willing spirit.  Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will be converted to thee (12-13.)  This morning I pulled out my bible, a falling apart book that continues to be my favorite, and read the entire Psalm, it is entitled A Contrite Sinner’s Prayer for Pardon.

Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;
According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.
² Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.
³ For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me.
⁴ Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak
And blameless when You judge.

⁵ Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
And in sin my mother conceived me.
⁶ Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being,
And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.
⁷ Purify me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
⁸ Make me to hear joy and gladness,
Let the bones which You have broken rejoice.
⁹ Hide Your face from my sins
And blot out all my iniquities.

¹⁰ Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
¹¹ Do not cast me away from Your presence
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
¹² Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
And sustain me with a willing spirit.
¹³ Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners will be converted to You.

¹⁴ Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, the God of my salvation;
Then my tongue will joyfully sing of Your righteousness.
¹⁵ O Lord, open my lips,
That my mouth may declare Your praise.
¹⁶ For You do not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it;
You are not pleased with burnt offering.
¹⁷ The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.

¹⁸ By Your favor do good to Zion;
Build the walls of Jerusalem.
¹⁹ Then You will delight in righteous sacrifices,
In burnt offering and whole burnt offering;
Then young bulls will be offered on Your altar.

          I repeatedly allow myself to become so wrapped up in work, school, events, people, and my own selfish desires, that I lose sight of what truly matters; what the big picture really looks like.  I have become a measuring stick instead of a burning bush (click here to read this eye-opening post by Ann Voskamp), and nothing good can come from that.  I am turning 24 in a few weeks; looking back over my life I am so frustrated and disappointed by the fact that I continue to make the exact same mistakes over, and over, and over again; will I ever learn?  The answer is no.  I alone, relying on my own abilities, will continue to fall, will continue to fail, and will continue to be lonely.  So my daily, no, my constant prayer shall be Psalm 51.  Because I am a sinner in need of pardon, and God is the only one capable of accomplishing that.