Just Live

This is a post I wrote on April 11^th, but did not have the will to actually hit “publish.” 

Today, I pulled out my old laptop.  My 2007 Vista that is literally starting to fall apart but I can’t quite bear to part with.  The thing was/is a major pain, as my fellow Vista users can understand.  It was my graduating-from-high-school-get-me-through-college laptop.  This May will mark nine years since I graduated from high school; nine years!!!  I have moved on to another more reliable laptop, and have yet to graduate from college.        

            I was in one of my dearest friend’s wedding back in February, and today she sent me a link to the pictures.  They were gorgeous, it was truly one of the most beautiful weddings I have ever been to.  But, as I looked over the photos with me in them, I felt a weird sensation of not recognizing myself.  “The fancy, not-typical hairdo and dress probably has a lot to do with it,” I thought and shrugged it off.  But tonight, while perusing through my old laptop and a bunch of old picture from around four years ago, I saw the old me.  The happy me. 

            Six months ago, my mom had a stroke, and life changed.  Mom had the rare type of stroke, a wet stroke.  The 10%.  During those first few days in the hospital I passed multiple signs explaining the acronym FAST – face drooping, arms uneven, speech slurred, and time, call 911 fast.  That information doesn’t help when you don’t show any of those symptoms.  I came to hate those signs. 

Mom’s recovery has been astronomically fast.  She was home from the hospital in two weeks with no bells or whistles aside from a borrowed walker, and even that was discarded after a week.  Everyone who visits is amazed, and it is amazing.  But life is so different.  I’m so different.  I have always felt that if I just work harder, I could fix it.  Whatever the “it” may be.  But, this feels like my life was shoved in a blender and liquefied.  Things in the past have caused my life to crack and even crumble, but I could always reattach the pieces and patch the cracks.  But how do you fix what has been put through a blender?  How do you glue liquid back together? 

You don’t.

I always try to be positive on my blog and in my public life.  My private home life is where the venting happens.  But, there is a fine balance between being positive and being real.  While I don’t plan on airing all my complaints and life’s boring details here, I do think being a bit more real wouldn’t be such a bad thing.  So, being real, some days are hard, some days are frustrating, some days are great, and some days are just okay.  But, the key is to get up every day and just live.  Just live.  Live.